One of the greatest things that I have come to appreciate as a relationship expert is the aspect of self-awareness in a marriage.
At an early stage in my practice, I discovered that many of the couples I encountered tended to fall short not due to significant problems beyond resolution, but rather because of the micro-experience of their day-to-day actions.
In most cases, everything was weakening the relationship teaspoon by teaspoon over time. Petty behavior from spouses, especially wives, was one of the things I observed.
Look, before you suspect I am railing against someone here, I would just like to say this: everyone is petty at times. Very well, I have! The secret lies in knowing when those times occur as well as choosing whether or not we will allow these times to influence our actions or responses.
The fact is, it is impossible to be perfect, and no marriage is going to be easy. However, when we exercise our egos, or lack open and honest communication, we can wind up being worse off than before.
How do you tell whether you are a petty wife?
It has nothing to do with name-calling or big arguments. Those little things build up mistrust and disconnection. Whether it is a love life or relationships with friends, here are 15 signs telling that you are acting small and what you should do to fix it.
1. You Don’t Easily Forgive Wrongs
Staying longer after what has already taken place is one of the most typical indicators of growing petty in a marriage. You tell me you can forgive me, but you keep reminding me about the transgression months or years down the line, then you cannot have really let it work its course. Not only does holding grudges put your husband on the defensive, but it also makes you live in the past and unable to progress.
It should be kept in mind that forgiveness involves not absolving the other person of the offense but relieving oneself of the burden of resentment. When you decide to forgive, do not go back to the past.
Related: 12 Clear Signs of a Bad Wife
2. You Employ the Silent Treatment as a Weapon
The silent treatment is as old as the book. Although it is a short-term boost to your ego to refuse to listen to your husband during a quarrel, it is very harmful psychologically in the long term. It is not only a barrier to communication but also an emotional distance, which can be a challenge to cross.
When you notice that you use silence to scold him or to take control over the situation, it is time to review your strategy. Rather, learn to practice good communication and communicate what you feel. People should give you space when you want it—but not hesitate to tell them why and when you feel up to a conversation.
3. You Get Irritated by Trivial Matters
It is quite tempting to get mad about minor things in a marriage, especially during busy or stressful times. However, using all the little things as big problems just means you are letting pettiness take the spotlight. It may seem trivial to get angry over him not putting the dishes away or forgetting to take out the garbage on a given day. When you start to keep tabs on one incident after another, that’s when one thing starts to outweigh the larger issues.
It is also necessary to learn about choosing battles. Life doesn’t care about trivial things. You should ask yourself, “Is it worth arguing?” Very frequently, it is not.
Related: Why Does My Husband Treat Me Bad?
4. You Don’t Apologize Immediately, Even When You Are Wrong
The urge to put your foot down and say no to apologizing is there, especially when you know he is also wrong. It is, however, petty behavior to withhold saying sorry to make a point. It is not about winning something, but actually compromising, understanding each other, and growing within a marriage.
When it comes to apologizing when you are wrong, and you find it hard to do so, it is time you ask yourself why you recoil so much. Sometimes, just saying you are sorry can go a long way to healing and building trust.
5. You Act the Martyr
Am I saying there are times when you feel wronged? Certainly. But when you play the victim every time, you are killing the relationship. When you put yourself in the position of always being offended, neglected, or misunderstood, you are giving up your power and creating an unhealthy dynamic.
Rather than pointing fingers and attributing all the failures to your husband, find ways to rectify things together. Take personal responsibility and become empowered to change.
6. You Mention His Defects to Others
Having a selfish chat about your problems is one thing, but involving the rest of the world in airing your complaints is entirely different, especially when done with a group of friends or family. Mentioning his flaws openly, even humorously, is mean and demeaning to how you should respect each other.
When you feel tempted to speak about him negatively, you should think about whether you want to sound right or just control the opinions of other people. Privacy, respect, and trust should be involved in a healthy marriage, especially in difficult conversations.
Related: How to Be a Better Wife and Improve Your Marriage
7. You Are Constantly Comparing Him with Other Men
By comparing your husband to other men—whether to your friends’ husbands or movie characters—is counterproductive in many ways. We all have our weaknesses and no one is without blemish. Frequently trying to point out that he is inadequate compared to others only contributes to insecurity and anger within the relationship.
Rather, concentrate on appreciating his uniqueness and the qualities that make him the man he is. Acknowledge him where he is doing well and thank him for what he is doing.
8. You Deny Him Love on Purpose
Withholding and using affection as a punishment is low and ineffective. When you become upset and refuse to give him a hug, a kiss, or even a simple “I love you” because of it, you are actually building up an emotional barrier that will only spoil the situation.
You are free to want space when you are angry or hurt. However, when you are in the mood to be together again, do not deny love. Demetria can go further and be intimate. It will make you two reunite and heal any emotional damage.
9. You Try to One-Up Him
When you feel the need to outdo your husband every time he shares something about his day or an accomplishment, this may come across as small-minded. It’s teamwork, not a competition in marriage. The need to constantly prove that you are more successful or better will make the environment leave both of you misunderstood and underestimated.
He may suck, just like you may do. Well, just remember that in some ways you win and in others, he does. It doesn’t matter. Be happy for each other’s wins—big or small—and encourage each other’s personal and professional development.
10. You Manipulate by Guilt
The sense of guilt is a very strong weapon, and when applied to a partner to make them subservient to you, it becomes destructive. Once you make him feel guilty about not living up to your expectations or for things beyond his control, you will be engaging in petty behavior.
Instead of falling into a guilt-tripping mindset, talk about what you want and need. Mutual respect is the foundation of a healthy relationship, not manipulation.
11. You Do Not Trust Him, Though He Has Deserved It
Any marriage is built on trust. Being suspicious of him all the time, checking his phone, or suspecting him of things unnecessarily will harm the foundation of your relationship—trust.
Although it is acceptable to feel insecure sometimes, it is distasteful and wrong to continually undermine his trustworthiness. To restore trust, begin by addressing your own anxieties and being open about your concerns.
12. You Keep Check of His Errors
Unless you are continually measuring his mistakes to rub them in his face later, you are being a fool. Marriage is not a competition game or about revenge. When you keep track of past mistakes to bring them up in an argument, you are harboring resentment.
Don’t look back and keep accounting. There is no point in worrying about something that you should have taken care of, forgiven, and forgotten.
13. You Want to Have an Answer to Prove Your Case, Not to Be Solution-Oriented
People tend to lose themselves in the desire to be correct in most arguments, instead of resolving the matter at hand. When you are just being petty, it is reflected in your desire to win rather than seeking a compromise or resolution.
Listening, empathizing, and compromising are necessary in a good marriage. It’s not about who is correct; it’s about finding a resolution that satisfies both of you.
14. You Keep Threatening to Go
When you issue threats of leaving every time a disagreement occurs, this is a manipulative behavior that instills fear, rather than empathy. If you are always threatening divorce or separation whenever something goes wrong, it destroys the stability of the relationship.
Instead of threatening to quit, try creating a solution to the problem in a calm manner. Both parties must make efforts towards the marriage, and not everything should be solved by running away.
15. You Do Not Make Him Your Priority
And last but not least, in petty marriages, it can be a matter of not paying attention to your wife/husband. When it is always your needs, interests, or friends over your husband, then it is time to reconsider your priorities. Caring and consideration for one another makes a healthy relationship.
Also, find time to spend with him as you would with whatever you like to do. Make him feel important to you—not just in words but also in action.
Conclusion
It does not make anyone a bad person; it’s just a matter of finding themselves in unhealthy patterns that gradually destroy a marriage. It is important to realize these behaviors so that change can happen. Becoming conscious of such tendencies will allow you to begin working on changing your responses to build a more loving, respectful, and satisfying relationship.
What are the ways to be a good partner then? First, start by being self-reflective, acknowledging your behavior, and working towards communicating more freely and lovingly. Once you stop obsessing over power struggles and focus on your marriage, you will both become better people.
There is nothing wrong with asking questions or needing direction along the way. It takes time to grow, but once you are patient and committed, you can turn things around.
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