I went through a period in my life where I constantly doubted my reality. My ex used to twist my words, deny things I knew to be true, and make me feel like I was the one in the wrong.
The more it happened, the more I began to question myself and my judgment. I got gaslighted. It wasn’t that I suddenly started doubting myself all the time; it was that there was always this feeling that something was off, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It also didn’t dawn on me quickly enough that I wasn’t crazy; I was being manipulated.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that is subtle and can happen to anyone. In this post, I’ll explain how to identify gaslighting, what turning the table on a gaslighter means, and how you can regain control over your life and perception of reality.
Who is a Gaslighter?
A gaslighter is someone who can make you question what should be the truth. They distort reality, lie about the past, manipulate your emotions, and leave you believing that you’re the one who is wrong. The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a husband systematically convinces his wife that she is losing her mind by dimming the gaslights in their house. When she notices and accuses him, he denies it.
Gaslighting is a tactic used by individuals who want to dominate or control others. It can happen in romantic relationships, friendships, workplaces, or even in families. The gaslighter thrives on power, and part of how they maintain this power is by making you believe their version of events, regardless of how inconsistent it is.
For example, I once had a friend who would constantly tell me that I was too sensitive whenever I expressed my feelings. If I said something upset me, she would dismiss it by saying, “You’re exaggerating, no one else thinks like this.” Over time, I began to question myself. Was I really overreacting, or was she simply dismissing my feelings? That’s the power of gaslighting: it makes you question your own experiences.
Related: How To Turn The Table On A Narcissist
Symptoms of Gaslighting
Gaslighting can manifest in many ways. Here are some signs that you might be dealing with a gaslighter:
1. They Deny Things You Know to Be True
For example, you may have had an important conversation with your partner, only to have them deny it ever took place. I once called my ex out on a promise he made, and he simply denied it. Despite being certain we had this conversation, he flat-out denied it, and the more he contradicted himself, the more I questioned my memory.
2. They Blame-Shift
Gaslighters rarely take responsibility for their actions. Instead, they shift the blame onto you. For instance, a colleague once messed up a task related to our project, and when I called him out on it, he accused me of failing to notice the mistakes earlier. I ended up feeling guilty for something I wasn’t responsible for, all because of his gaslighting.
3. They Dismiss Your Feelings
Gaslighters will minimize your emotions to make you feel like you’re overreacting. I recall a time when I told a close friend that something she said had offended me. Her response? “You’re too sensitive, I was just joking.”
Related; 17 Signs Of Gaslighting In A Relationship And How To Respond To It
4. They Create Confusion
Gaslighters often use contradictions or half-truths to confuse you. I had a friend who would tell a different version of an event each time we spoke about it. After a while, I didn’t know who was telling the truth.
5. They Isolate You
Gaslighters will try to isolate you from people who may support you. They manipulate your relationships with others to make you feel like they are the only person who understands you. My partner, for instance, had a hidden resentment toward my friends, which made me feel like it was wrong to spend time with them.
6. They Corrode Your Self-Esteem
Gaslighters use subtle verbal jabs to erode your confidence. Remarks like, “This is all I can do for you, but you’ll never know how to behave” or “No one could put up with you” are common tactics they use to make you feel inadequate and dependent on them.
Related: How To Stop Being A Gaslighter
What to Do When Turning the Table on a Gaslighter
Turning the table on a gaslighter means taking control of your thoughts and emotions. It’s about refusing to question yourself and finding the strength to see things as they truly are. It’s not just about confronting the gaslighter—it’s about confronting the doubts they planted in your mind and reaffirming your value and perspective.
For example, once I realized what my partner was doing, I decided that I would never question myself again. I started listening to my intuition and paying attention to what was really happening around me. That empowered me to not be misled into thinking I was the one at fault.
How to Turn the Table on a Gaslighter
Here are steps you can take to turn the table and regain control:
1. Identify the Signs Early
The sooner you recognize the signs of gaslighting, the better. Always trust your instincts. If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. I wasn’t always good at listening to my instincts, but once I recognized the manipulation, I began making more informed decisions.
2. Write Down Your Experiences
Gaslighters are experts at making you question your memory. Keeping a journal of your thoughts, conversations, and feelings can help you keep track of what really happened. Once I started writing things down, I could clearly see events as they occurred, without being influenced by the gaslighter’s version.
3. Set Boundaries and Stick to Them
Don’t let them pressure you into doing things you don’t want to do. If they try to downplay your feelings, firmly tell them, “I’m not participating in this conversation anymore if you keep dismissing my emotions.” Setting boundaries will show them that you won’t be manipulated.
4. Don’t Engage in Arguments
Gaslighters will never admit they are wrong, and trying to convince them will only give them more control. I learned that arguing with them was a waste of time. What worked better was walking away from those conversations.
5. Find a Support System
Surround yourself with people who will help you confirm your reality. Talk to friends, family, or even a therapist who can help you see the situation clearly. When I reached out to my close friends, their perspectives helped me regain the clarity I needed.
6. Regain Your Confidence
Gaslighting can erode your self-esteem, but you can rebuild it. I focused on doing things that made me feel good about myself—whether it was spending time with supportive friends, engaging in self-care, or participating in activities that boosted my confidence.
7. Consider Going No Contact
Sometimes, the best way to deal with a gaslighter is to cut them out of your life completely. Ending the relationship or establishing emotional distance can help protect your mental health. I eventually had to let go of certain relationships to maintain my peace of mind.
Conclusion
Your reality does not have to be distorted by gaslighting. As a victim of gaslighting, you can regain your confidence, trust your instincts, and take back control of your life.
By identifying the signs early, writing down your experiences, and setting healthy boundaries, you can reclaim your power.
It may be a challenging journey, but it is worth it. You deserve to live in a world where your emotions are valued, your perceptions are respected, and your truth is recognized.
If you find yourself dealing with a gaslighter, don’t despair—it’s not too late to regain control of your narrative. You can do this.
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