It never crossed my mind. Initially, things went just right. She was adorable, loving, and everything I believed I wanted.
However, over time, the divisions started to rise to the surface. The magic became a state of manipulation, control, and continuous emotional plays.
She always appeared to be sorry, yet it never put me right about her. Not responsibility, but transferring the blame, who should feel guilty because of something that was not initially my fault.
I recall an instance when I first felt something was not right. We got into a serious quarrel and I was angry.
I found that she somehow succeeded in putting me in the wrong rather than her being wrong about what she was doing.
I caught myself being sorry, yet my hurt. I never believed I would find myself in this emotional net but as I continued to think about it, the more I understood the truth: I was being controlled.
Apologies Narcissists Give To Manipulate You
1. The Half-Hearted Apologetic: I Am Sorry You Feel So
It was repeated, today, over a trifle. She made a point to hurt my feelings and when I brought it up she laughed it off.
What It Means: This is the old manipulative game. When a narcissist does an apology in this manner, they are not owning their words and actions. They are rather minimizing your feelings, trying to suggest that the issue is not in what they did but in how you reacted to it. It lays the blame at your door and you think that your feelings are the problem.
Related: 7 Tricky Things Narcissistic Husbands Do To Manipulate You
2. The If Apologies: I Am Sorry I Hurt You
An intervening couple of days, upon another squabble, she brought me back a puny apology.
The Translation: This is not an actual apology. The presence of the word “if” makes it conditional, which means that the narcissist does not have to acknowledge that they have hurt you but is only accepting the possibility that it might have occurred. It is one way of avoiding full responsibility for their actions.
Related: 15 Signs You Are Being Manipulated
3. The Non-Apology: I Would Not Have… Had It Not Been…
At one time, she flared up about something that was not so important in my eyes. When I tried to explain myself, she was apt to remark, “I should not have done so without doing…”
What It Means: This is nothing but a blatant attempt to lay the blame on you. Rather than being apologetic about their actions, the narcissist attempts to explain (with cause) that you have forced them to act that way. It forgives them all and puts the emphasis of the attention on all that you do, even in the case of purely innocent and justified action.
Related: 27 Tricky Ways Narcissists Manipulate Others
4. The Twist Apology: I Am Sorry You Do Not Get It
One evening I also tried to make her understand why I felt towards her behavior in a particular manner, and I interrupted her.
What It Means: In this case, the narcissist is again making you feel like they are putting you in your place, because your deeds are to blame, as opposed to a lack of understanding. It is a controlling behavior that shifts the blame and causes you to question your ability to see the situation as it is. It disregards your feelings and shifts it to yourself.
Related: How to Manipulate a Narcissist To Be In Your Control
5. I Was Drunk/Too Stressed Apology: I Didn’t Mean It, I Was Drunk/Too Stressed
She had been out and was returning home late and definitely drunk. She was in the company of friends and before she knew it, she was screaming at me.
What It Connotes: The narcissist is attempting to justify their unacceptable behavior by attributing it to an outside source, e.g., alcohol or stress. The position is that you still harbor the feeling that whatever they did is not their fault and you need to sympathize with them instead of dealing directly with how their actions impacted you.
Related: 20 Strong Narcissistic Phrases To Watch Out For
6. The It Won’t Happen Again Promise: I Will Never Do It Again, I Swear
When she knew better later on, because she could realize how badly I was suffering, she promised me that it would never happen again.
What It Means: A promise which is not to be kept. Narcissists do this to buy some time, making you believe that things will get better. In practice, they may say it will never happen again and it does, and you are left with false hope.
Related; How To Turn The Table On A Narcissist
7. The Apology as a Way to Win Sympathy: I Am Sorry, and This Is Who I Am
She once said, in a bad fight, “Sorry, but that is just me. I am a complicated woman.”
What It Implies: It is something to help you forgive them and relate with them through your sympathetic feelings. The narcissist is avoiding taking responsibility and instead trying to conceal their actions by making it appear as though it is entrenched in their personality. They use this as a means of guilt-tripping you into justifying their actions since that is just who they are.
Related: 8 Narcissistic Behaviors in Females To Watch Out For
8. The Sorry, Not Sorry Apology: Sorry, I Knew You Wanted To Have Picked Up…
A little later, a few days after we had another fight, she said, “I am sorry, but I did not know you were upset!”
What It Means: This is an apology laden with backhanded blame. Instead of taking accountability for their actions, the narcissist victimizes you because you failed to understand their emotional status. It makes you wonder about why you had not done anything to prevent the situation, despite you being supposed to have no control over it.
Related: How to Deal with a Narcissistic Husband
9. The I Am a Victim Too Apology: I Am Sorry I Have Made You Angry, but You Made Me Angry First
She claimed that she was the victim when we went in again to fight.
What It Means: It is a classic narcissist maneuver—being the victim. Instead of apologizing, they accuse you of provoking them first. It takes and reflects back, even when you were the real victim of the situation.
10. The Tactical Apology of Control: I Am So Sorry, but You Have to understand that…
But eventually, when I tried to stand up and leave the constant emotional plays, she was supposedly apologetic, but not quite.
What It Means: It is a gagging strategy. The narcissist is not really acknowledging their misconduct; they are making you feel that you must necessarily see their point of view. It is a means of reasserting their control of the situation, without accepting their misdeeds.
Conclusion
I was blinded to see the pattern—the manipulation, the control, and the emotional rollercoaster. Their excuses were actually excuses.
They served to make me self-doubt myself, to keep me in this loop of feeling bad, and to take control over me again.
I have found that I see things how they are. Responsibility and transformation must come along with the apology. Slightly less is nothing but manipulation.
You must gain confidence in yourself, recognize that you have been used, and say goodbye when you are worth more. You do not have to make do with less; you can have someone who holds themselves accountable and treats you with dignity.
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