If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist, you already know how tricky and manipulative they can be. On the surface, they may seem charming, confident, and even helpful. But scratch beneath that polished exterior, and you’ll soon discover there’s usually a dark side they don’t want you to see.
Narcissists thrive on control, admiration, and power. To maintain that control, they often do things behind your back that you may not notice right away. These secretive behaviors feed their ego, protect their fragile self-esteem, and keep you under their influence.
If you’ve ever wondered what a narcissist is really doing when you’re not looking, here are 10 things narcissists do behind your back.
Things Narcissists Do Behind Your Back
1. They Gossip About You
Narcissists love being the center of attention, and one of the easiest ways they achieve that is by talking about other people—often in negative ways. Behind your back, they might gossip about your mistakes, weaknesses, or even share private details you trusted them with.
Why? Because gossip empowers them. It allows them to shape how others see you while making themselves look superior. They might say things like, “I’m just concerned about them,” when in reality, they’re planting seeds of doubt in other people’s minds.
The hurtful part is that they often twist stories or exaggerate events just to make themselves the hero and you the villain.
Related: 20 Ways To Emotionally Detach From A Narcissist
2. They Play the Victim
In public, narcissists may appear confident and strong. But behind your back, they often flip the script and play the victim. They’ll tell others how “hard” it is to deal with you, how “unfair” you are, or how much they’ve “sacrificed” for you.
This act earns them sympathy and attention while justifying their toxic behavior. If they can convince others you’re the problem, they can continue manipulating without being questioned.
Related: How a Narcissist Plays the Victim Game To Manipulate You
3. They Try to Tear Down Your Achievements
One of the most frustrating things about narcissists is that they can’t stand anyone outshining them. If you do something great—maybe you get a promotion, start a business, or even just look amazing in a new outfit—they’ll try to secretly tear you down.
Behind your back, they’ll dismiss your success as “luck” or insist you didn’t really earn it. Some may even try to claim credit by telling people they helped or inspired you. Their fragile ego can’t stand sharing the spotlight, so they’ll quietly try to dim your light.
Related: 12 Subtle Signs of a Narcissistic Girlfriend
4. They Compare You to Others
When you’re not around, narcissists often compare you unfavorably to others. They might tell mutual friends that someone else is more attractive, more successful, or more interesting than you.
These comparisons aren’t casual remarks—they’re deliberate attempts to tear you down while making themselves look better by association.
Later, they may even use these comparisons to your face, but they usually test them out behind your back first to see how others react.
Related: 18 Rare Signs of a Narcissistic Boyfriend
5. They Sabotage Your Relationships
One of the most damaging things narcissists do in secret is undermine your other relationships. They hate competition, and if they sense you’re too close to someone else—whether it’s a friend, family member, or coworker—they’ll quietly work to drive a wedge between you.
This could be subtle comments like, “I don’t think they really have your best interest at heart,” spreading rumors, or withholding important information. Over time, their goal is to isolate you so that you rely on them more.
6. They Keep Secrets and Live Double Lives
Narcissists are experts at compartmentalizing. While they may demand total honesty and loyalty from you, they rarely give it in return. Behind your back, they may hide friendships, flirty conversations, reckless spending, or even entire relationships.
Many narcissists thrive on the thrill of getting away with things. The secrecy gives them a sense of power—like they’re smarter than everyone else because no one can “catch” them. Unfortunately, these double lives often collapse, leaving you blindsided.
7. They Imitate You
This one might sound strange, but narcissists often copy the people closest to them. Behind your back, they may borrow your ideas, jokes, or even your way of speaking—and then present them as their own.
Why? Because deep down, narcissists lack a stable sense of self. They borrow from others to fill that emptiness and then use those traits to impress people. It can feel unsettling to watch someone use your personality as if they invented it, but it’s a common tactic.
Related: How to Survive a Narcissistic Mother
8. They Devalue and Replace You
Narcissists are notorious for their “idealize, devalue, discard” cycle. At first, they may put you on a pedestal, but once they’ve gotten what they wanted—admiration, attention, or resources—they’ll start tearing you down.
Behind your back, this can look like badmouthing you to others, ignoring your needs, or preparing someone new to replace you. Narcissists rarely leave relationships cleanly; instead, they line up the next person while keeping you around as a backup.
Related: 6 Reasons Why Narcissists Devalue You
9. They Monitor You
Another secret behavior of narcissists is keeping tabs on you. Whether it’s through mutual friends, social media stalking, or snooping through your belongings, they often feel entitled to know what you’re doing.
This isn’t about care—it’s about control. They want to anticipate your moves, gather information they can use against you, and make sure you’re not stepping outside of the role they’ve assigned you. It’s surveillance disguised as concern.
10. They Rewrite History
Narcissists are masters at rewriting the past. Behind your back, they may retell stories in ways that paint them as the hero and you as the problem. If you had an argument, they’ll claim they were calm and reasonable while you were “crazy” or “overreacting.”
Over time, these rewrites create a false narrative that protects their ego while damaging your credibility. If enough people believe their version, you may find yourself defending things that never actually happened.
Final Thoughts
Dealing with a narcissist is exhausting because so much of their behavior happens in the shadows. They may smile to your face while undermining you the moment you’re not around. From gossiping and sabotaging your success to manipulating your relationships and rewriting history, their secret actions can leave you feeling isolated, confused, and drained.
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